


i just gotta sing it out of me

by Anonymous



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Hanamura Teruteru, Background Iruma Miu, Childhood Memories, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Guitars, He/Him Pronouns for Fujisaki Chihiro, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Ishimaru Kiyotaka-centric, Male Fujisaki Chihiro, Minor Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Owada Mondo, Minor Mioda Ibuki/Tsumiki Mikan, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Blow Jobs, Non-Consensual Touching, Not Beta Read, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27329716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Kiyotaka screams and plays the guitar in attempt to relieve the pain of his nightmares, like he always does. The pain of thinking about his grandfather, the horrible things that have been done to him, and the immense trauma he has because of said things.
Kudos: 37
Collections: Anonymous





	i just gotta sing it out of me

**Author's Note:**

> THIS FIC CONTAINS GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS AND MENTIONS OF RAPE. PROCEED WITH THAT IN MIND.

_The light of the setting sin reflected off of the buttons on his pearly white sleeves. Tanned, calloused hands were wrapped around his waist lovingly. The spikey haired man felt his heart slow with the calm inside him. The_ _image_ _of_ _Owada's room faded as he closed his eyes with a tiny smile._

_Everything he'd_ _worked_ _for was worth it like this. The years of excessive studying, heartache, and anguish. Just for these few moments, the hurting was nonexistent. He_ _wasn't_ _scared of his reputation, or of_ _failing_ _classes. Taka was just happy and in love._

_Taka felt tender lips touch his head. The arms left his sides. It was about time Mondo left, after all._ _After_ _all, there was still loose ends to tie up with his gang_ _. Ishimaru lifted his head and eyelids to wave at his boyfriend goodbye._

_Dark greasy locks weren't draped over his shoulders. Lavender eyes didn't reflect the moral compass's face as happy tears flooded them. His lover was missing blonde hair that was gelled up in a pompadour. There_ _wasn't_ _a low cut white tank top, stained with motor oil. The jet black, long coat_ _that_ _went down his_ _back_ _was no where to be seen._

_The hair was buzzed and black. The man's eyes were maroon and his_ _big_ _bushy brows were furrowed. There was no coat that covered his shoulders, only a perfectly clean white button up. This wasn't_ _his_ _Mondo._

_That was... That was..._

_Ishimaru backed himself into a corner,_ _hoping_ _to find the door, or even a window. He had to leave. The prefect would do anything to_ _escape_ _. To get away from the man looking back at him with greed._

_He was_ _sweating_ _now. The hall monitor forgot how much fear that man could_ _leave_ _him in. The usually passionate man_ _felt_ _his_ _ruby red eyes burn with tears. He would never do that again. Not for the rest of eternity._

_The messy yet comforting sight of the biker's room was gone. It was instead_ _replaced_ _by the pristine, sterile_ _office_ _in his grandparents' home. The owner of that room_ _approached_ _his grandson, the_ _young_ _man backed into a corner. The_ _genius_ _placed a hand at the back of his head. The youngest Ishimaru_ _screamed_ _._

_It was just like it was in middle school. Taka's mouth stretched wide from screaming and from having things forced into it. His butthole screaming with pain and some sick sense of pleasure as it was invaded. Everything hurt so bad._

_Tears dripped down the boy in white's face. It felt like_ _he'd_ _never leave this hell. This_ _permanent_ _repeat_ _of_ _the worst moment of his entire life. It_ _felt_ _like he'd never escape. He would never get out of here._

Kiyotaka's eyes flew open, and face wet with tears and sweat. His pajamas were damp and clung to his limbs. His eyes darted around the room. When had he fallen asleep? They were just watching a movie.

He squirmed out of bed, mind spinning from his nightmare. He wouldn't live in such fear forever, that he could assure himself. What he couldn't assure himself, however, was that he'd be able to go back to sleep.

Taka tiptoed and looked behind him. Mondo and Leon's snores quaked the entire room. Poor Chihiro was sleeping on the top bunk with Kuwata, the louder of the two. Kiyotaka smirked sadly. He wouldn't be going back to sleep, especially when his mind was so overloaded.

Thank everything that the vocalist and gang leader were really heavy sleepers. The third boy wasn't hearing anything besides those two, so that was nice. It was incredible for Taka.

The moral compass walked down the creaking stairs. Fuck, he _really_ didn't want to wake up his friends and lover. The red eyed man was just getting his feelings out. He really didn't want to worry anyone over some stupid things like that.

The black haired boy made his way to the basement where he kept his guitar. He debated turning the light dial so he could see, but decided against it. There was already a television that was left on. It covered the room in a harsh blue light.

Kiyotaka picked up the wooden instrument and sat down on the couch. He tested a gentle strum. How was it still in tune? It'd been weeks since he played it. The hall monitor shook his head.  
  
The man opened his notebook. 'College rule', the red cover read. He opened to one of his longer songs. He needed a long time to sing after his godforsaken dream.

The first few words were shuddering and raw. Then the next few. And soon, the majority of the song had gone by with his crackly voice in the basement. But the raw, quiet singing weren't enough.

Taka flipped through the notebook, determined to relieve the crippling fear and shame in his heart. His longest song. It was ten minutes of pure emotion that he'd barely managed to finish writing. It reached past the margins, even with his tiny handwriting. He propped it up in front of him on the glass coffee table.

The moral compass began to play. The wooden instrument in his arms was melodic and quiet. And then he started to shout his own writing. The scarlet eyed boy's breathing quickened to match the overuse of his voice.

The hall monitor felt the ache in his heart pulse as he kept wailing that song. Leon and Mondo and Chihiro were still sleeping upstairs, Ishimaru recalled. That didn't matter and Taka, for once, didn't care. He felt his fingers sting as he kept dragging his fingers over the huge guitar.

He felt the fat tears roll down his face. The prefect's body ached as he kept screaming the messy writing in his notepad. The man in pajamas felt at a loss. He needed to do this now, just to get his feelings out.

 _He_ wasn't here. _He_ wasn't even alive anymore. Taka was fine. Yet that awful, awful man plagued his mind every time his boyfriend's cock was too close to his face. Or when Owada had offered to 'fuck him silly'. Of course Mondo didn't know that then.

Everything had been covered up so well. Even when Prime Minister Toranusuke Ishimaru had been shunned by the news, little Kiyotaka wasn't in a single article. It mentioned nothing about Taka walking away from his grandfather begging for the forgiveness of his family. Nothing about the bruises all over the prefect's hips and back.

Only six people in all of Japan knew about why Kiyotaka Ishimaru still laid awake in the night. Those six people knew the real reason why Kiyotaka talked about his grandfather with hesitancy and fear. The six people closest to the youngest Ishimaru knew why he was so repulsed by the idea of intercourse.

Mondo learned first hand. Chihiro was told, and so was Leon. Yasuhiro knew now not to joke about his grandfather now. They were kind about his trauma. About the way he suffered beneath that perfectly pressed uniform. They knew why he snapped extra loudly whenever Teruteru and Miu spoke.

But the other two weren't kind. They didn't understand why he suffered. Why couldn't he get over it? It was so easy to, they insisted. Blood is thicker than water, Takaaki shouted when his son had sobbed about hating his grandfather. No use worrying about it now, his mother insisted when she heard about it from his father.

Blood was thicker than water, yes. But the ex prime minister who shared Taka's blood had tainted him. His innocent mind was plagued every night of _things_ in his face. Of insistence that 'it would make me very happy' from _him_ as the hold on his buzzed hair tightened.

The nightmares he had were just reminders of how he wasn't the perfect little boy the Ishimarus wanted. Nightmares consisting of getting forced into and invaded. The overly vivid dreams of the media terrorizing and screaming at him for ruining the Ishimaru reputation. Of Toranusuke destroying his life, one step at a time.

And then his parents had the audacity to feel bad for that man. To forget about what he'd done to their son. To pity the man who'd been disgraced by the whole country. To visit Takaaki's father and give him homemade food and kindness. To force Taka to hug him goodbye.

How could Kiyotaka forget what happened? How was he supposed to let go of the horrors he'd face? When his own mind wouldn't leave it be, how was he supposed to? It was impossible in every way.

Taka shook his head as his hold on the instrument tightened. Ghosts of hands grabbed him. Even through his thick nightshirt, he felt exposed. It was so much. So very much to take in.

His throat had long since gone raw from the painful roaring. His fingers were burning now. With a final held out note, he stopped. Taka sat perfectly still and stared at the darkness shrouding his basement. He was done for now.

He set the guitar on the table and curled in on his own shaking body. His heart slammed into his chest with the force of a thousand drums. He just had to wait it out, and then he could go upstairs and pretend none of this happened. That he was in fact fine.

Even like this, in briefs, plush pajama pants and button up, it felt like too much and just too little at once. The weight of clothing on his skin was killing him when he didn't want to be touched at all. The burning heat, only ever so slightly soothed by the broken fan in the other corner of the room. He felt the inferno of pain in him, enough to dissuade him from putting on a coat or wrapping himself in a blanket.

But he couldn't take his clothes off either. Because then he'd be exposed. He couldn't deal with any extra sensation on his chest, his groin, or, god forbid, his rear. He couldn't even have someone graze it without flinching. The thoughts of his own ass sent chills up his spine.

The moral compass finally had his mind in the present again, he noticed. That was a very good thing. Even if that present was about the sensations on his body, he was escaping his own head. He could do those breathing exercises Mondo taught him. The hall monitor turned his head to the clock, barely visible in the TV's light.

Taka let the chilly air fill his lungs. He regretted living in such an old house in times like these.

One,  
Two,  
Three ticks of the clock passed. The intake of air stopped, and he let it hold for a bit more.

One,  
Two,  
Three seconds passed once more. Kiyotaka shuddered an exhale.

One,  
Two,  
Three knocks on the door from the stairs. The hall monitor yelped and tried to make himself look as though he hadn't been awake screaming and crying for roughly half an hour. Smoothing his frazzled hair, buttoning his shirt up to his neck.

" **Taka**?" The door creaked open a little, " **D-Do you need help?** " The high voice was worried. The taps of footsteps sounded on each of the steps.

The voice belonged to Chihiro, as Kiyotaka had expected. The other boy tiptoed to the bottom of the steps. His glistening gold eyes met Taka's swollen red ones. Could the programmer tell he'd been crying, with the lights off?

Regardless, Ishimaru would never know, because Fujisaki turned the light dial, brightening the room up just a bit. The prefect scrubbed at his eyes with his knuckles. It was a matter of pretending that he was alright, that was all. Taka'd done that before. Many times, really, but the exact amount was irrelevant right now.

Fujisaki's face turned frightened, " **Taka, are you okay? Do you need help?** " The younger man repeated, more firmly this time. " **I heard something upstairs, and since you weren't up there, I came to check on you,** " the brunette explained with a whisper.

The moral compass cursed himself internally. He should have just shut up! He could've dealt with his emotions later, like he always did. He could have prevented the worry in the programmer's face. Why did he never shut himself up before it was too late?

Ishimaru cleared his throat, " **No need to worry, Chihiro! I was only tidying up down here! That is what I do when I struggle to sleep!** " He forced a smile and crossed his arms. Judging by Fujisaki's face, the programming prodigy wasn't even close to convinced.

The shorter man's eyes were welling up now. The fake smile fell from his face immediately and turned to a grimace. The hazel eyed man sniffled and look up at him. Taka felt panic shoot through him at top speed.

" **Taka, you told me to be honest with everyone.** " Chihiro's face twisted with sadness. He sobbed loudly, " **You can't tell me to be honest when you're lying to me!** " The programmer wasn't crying. He'd blinked back the tears. If only Ishimaru'd done that sooner.

The hall monitor felt his big red eyes tear up again. Dammit. He opened his dry, aching mouth, " **I'm just..** " he failed to swallow the hesitance in his throat, " **Not feeling the best right now.** " That wasn't a lie. It was just an understatement, not a lie, he assured himself.

A beat of, what could have easily been, eternal silence passed between them. " **Is there anything I can do to help?** " Fujisaki offered a delicate hand forward. Taka shook his head at the upturned palm.

" **Water.** " He blurted out unceremoniously. " **My throat hurts.** " The raven haired boy knew that he needed more as the brunette nodded and went back upstairs. More than just a glass of water. But what did he need?

Absolutely not a hug, or a kiss, or any kind of touch. That would feel really bad. For goodness' sake, his thoughts were just hyper focused on _bad_ touch, of course it'd be bad.

Did he need Mondo here? Would that really help him? His boyfriend was kind, and comforted him every time. But he kind of didn't want to be around anyone right now, too. That didn't make sense. It was almost never like that.

Then again, his lover had transformed into a living nightmare in his unconscious mind. Perhaps that was the reason he was so hesitant to call for Mondo. That made him feel so guilty. Owada had done nothing wrong. Nothing whatsoever.

The door creaked open again. The tiny pitter patter of Fujisaki's footsteps on the stairs once again forced him to his surroundings. The gentle thump of wood on the table in front of him was accompanied by Chihiro sitting on the cushion next to him. He flinched, bizarrely enough. Why did he do that? The boy was just sitting next to him.

" **Thank you, Chihiro,** " He stated with a harsh nod. He lifted up the cup with one of his shaky hands, and brought it to his face. His burning fingers were still sensitive from scraping against the steel strings. This was really difficult. This definitely shouldn't be difficult.

The jarring jolt of cold that shot through him as the glass touched his lips took him off guard. Taka pretended not to react. That would be strange, reacting harshly to something so normal. He sipped at the water hesitantly.

Anger boiled in him as he let out an unsuppressed shudder. The hazel eyed man definitely thought he was weird for this. It was so ridiculous, shivering at a glass of water. There wasn't even ice in it. It was just a completely normal, room temperature cup of water.

" **I heard screaming from upstairs.** " The smaller of the two said as he twiddle his thumbs in his lap. " **Do you want to talk about it?** " Kiyotaka could feel the hesitance in his voice. Almost like the computing expert expected him to lash out.

Did Ishimaru really want to talk about this? Fujisaki knew such basic details, and the boy deserved to know the truth, right? To know everything about what he'd heard. To know exactly why the hall monitor was crying.

But Taka couldn't just talk about that. He knew he'd devolve into a blubbering mess. The explanation wouldn't be understandable then. When the mere thought of something touching his ass made him shiver, it was impossible to talk about his trauma.

The suffering he'd gone through was barely known to anyone. His inability to speak about it was the reason so few people knew about what had happened. Those few knew almost none of the details because of that.

Taka needed to get it out somehow. Someday he needed to finally face what had happened to him. To face what his grandfather had done head on. To fight through his pain head on.

" **Sorry I just...** " the moral compass lifted his hands to his face and shook his head.

Dammit, he was gonna worry Chihiro. Hearing someone scream for seemingly no reason would make anyone panic. Fujisaki probably thought he was a freak. That he was a fucking weirdo for doing this.

" **Take your time,** " the other boy said gently, " **You don't have to if you don't want to.** " The brunette insisted. Ishimaru was in shock.

He... didn't need to tell anyone? Taka could take his time before he told Chihiro? This felt unheard of to him. This was absolutely insane. This never would have happened with his family.

Fujisaki furrowed his thin brows and looked up at him, " **If it is what I think it is, I know it's really hard to talk about.** " The boy in green stated wistfully. " **You don't need to say stuff you aren't ready to. I know that better than anyone.** " The shorter man looked to him with a sad smile.

The red eyed boy looked at him with wonder. How could anyone be so accepting and kind? Surely curiosity would have overwhelmed him at this point. 

But it hadn't. Fujisaki didn't force him to speak about his issues. Taka wasn't forced to say exactly what was bothering him, like he was when he lived with his family. He could be quiet and mentally breathe. It was so refreshing.

His vermillion eyes were wet again, " **Thank you, Chihiro.** " How many times had he cried now? " **I need a bit longer before I speak about it fully, if you don't mind.** " He smiled. At least they were happy tears this time. The black haired man sighed with relief.

The programming prodigy smiled back at him, this time without the sadness. His solace in Taka's words was evident in his sigh as well. That was a massive comfort to the prefect. He leaned back into the couch, feeling himself melt into the faux leather.

There was silence once again. It didn't feel eternal, and Taka had counted ten ticks of the clock before he heard something. It was just the brunette shuffling on their shared couch. Nothing intense, or confrontational, or anything of the sort.

Ten more ticks of the clock passed before words were finally spoken again. " **I heard that you write music for Leon's band and play guitar.** " The small man stated cautiously. Taka nodded back, overjoyed at the topic change.

He did write lyrics for Kuwata and Mioda's band. Frankly, the two weren't fantastic songwriter's together, so he'd taken up the job for them. It was almost nice, writing things based on their stories instead of his own. The prefect loved to write, and having less depressing topics was very welcome.

Of course, Taka didn't write every song they made. He didn't title any of his songs either. Most of the titling was left to Ibuki. It was probably why the song about a gorgeous choppy haired woman in pink was called, 'Nurse Joy Isn't Her Name, But She Makes My Heart Pitter Patter'.

The lyrics he'd made about struggling against expectations was dubbed 'Leave Me Alone, Ms. Yukizome, Life Is Hard'. When the song was about yearning for his roommate, a story of Leon's, it was called 'My Feelings Are A Disaster, And So Is My Apartment'. Taka could personally verify that.

The morals committee member smiled wide thinking about handing the lyrics to Ibuki, Leon by her side. The ultimate musician always had the same intrigued, marveled expression as she read his lyrics. The little "hm..." she made when she mulled over what she'd just read. The lightbulb that flashed above her head as she gasped.

She always shouted the selfmade title loud and proud and looked to Leon with delight in her eyes. It always made him feel so happy, whenever he saw that delight. The incoming moment of realization and yells of agreement from Leon always filled him with pride. Kiyotaka loved it when people were that joyful at something he'd done for fun. It was a refreshing break from his parents praising his high grades.

That quickly, his fears about his grandfather had been replaced with happy memories of the music. How had Fujisaki done that? It was like magic!

Chihiro looked up at him, a grin on his round face as he glanced to the guitar in front of them both. " **W-Would you play for me and Mondo sometime? I wanna hear what you sound like when yo-you sing.** " The smaller boy looked up, a pleading look on his face. It was like a child asking for sweets

Taka's eyes widened. " **You want to hear... me?** " He got an excited nod back. He looked back in disbelief.

Surely... Surely Fujisaki was saying this out of pity. It was to make the moral compass feel better about the fact he'd sang his heart out just a few minutes ago. Chihiro didn't actually care that much about his music. He'd probably just heard Kuwata and Mioda's band and wanted to know about what it originally sounded like. It wasn't about the songwriter's emotions, it was just behind the scenes information for Kuwata's superfans.

But Chihiro's face showed him otherwise. It was one of enthusiasm and cheer. There wasn't pity on his face. It didn't look manipulative or lying. That was real, genuine excitement about what he did. It was the same excitement the two musicians had when they read his lyrics.

It was wild. Completely unorthodox and not what Kiyotaka expected. He blinked rapidly, and proved to himself that yes, this was real. He was absolutely stunned.

" **We'll wait until Mondo's awake, yeah?** " Ishimaru felt his mouth twist upward shyly. The programmer beamed and flapped his hands happily. Had the prefect ever felt this proud? Probably not.

Taka was feeling far better than we first came to the basement, and he couldn't be more grateful. He sniffled and hugged Chihiro tightly. The brunette hugged him back after coughing for a little bit. He needed to take Mondo's advice and hug a little less tight.

But he was just happy. Fujisaki was happy. His grandfather had long since been banished to the back of his mind. Things were better for right now. And maybe, someday,

**Author's Note:**

> Idea inspired by @dekus_hands on Tiktok.


End file.
